A Childhood Memory

Memories ...

As I was thinking today about my father when we were younger, I began recalling the excited evenings waiting for him to return home from work. There was me, my brother, and sister, playing in the living room while my mother was cooking in the apartment kitchen. The smell of bacon was throughout, and the crispy strips laid flat on the counter to cool were tempting, but they weren't to be eaten at our home - they were for the store. I remember feeling so confused because here was something that smelled so great, but our mother wouldn't let us have this great smelling thing. (This was however was an early glimpse of her lifelong strictness for cooking and eating healthy.) Regardless, we'd forget about it right away as soon as we heard the keys jingling outside. When our father stepped in the door with grocery bags full in his arms, we'd be yelling and once those arms were vacant we'd be jumping for them. "Daddy! You're home!"

Order of Preaching

"Preach the Gospel at all times, and if necessary use words."
- St. Francis

If you see a man who is hungry, do you preach about Christ's forgiveness to him? If you see a woman who is hurt inside, do you tell her to repent?

No, first attend to the man's hunger, and give him some food to eat. And attend to the woman's hurt, and comfort her in her loneliness. Be as Christ would've been. A friend, a healer.

Is this not the essence of Jesus' teachings?

Dead Artists

I was reading about how in 1848, the poet Edgar Allen Poe envisioned a concept of the Big Bang long before modern physicists confirmed its validity as a theory. Here's the excerpt from AskMen.com:

Though he didn't know a damn thing about physics -- which was true of just about everybody in 1848 -- Poe wrote a lengthy prose poem called Eureka that proposed something oddly similar to the big bang, a universe whose beginning came from a single "primordial particle," "absolutely unique, individual, undivided." The poem was largely regarded as horrible, so horrible that it literally ended some of Poe's friendships. People called it "ridiculous," "damnable heresy," and one critic claimed it was so bad that it should have caused his house to collapse with its awfulness.

Poor Poe even suggested at one point that "Space and Duration are one," a phrase that sounds curiously like it's about space-time, but it's likely that nobody noticed, busy as they were bellowing that Poe was a failure.

After reading that, I was reminded of other artists who are not noticed until after their deaths. We hear so often of the works of deceased artists fetching millions of dollars that we more or less correctly surmise that the only way for an artist to make money is to die. How horrible is that? But within that, I believe, lays a truth about true artists. They are visionaries, prophets who speak of the future to the world. Many times, people wearied by hard times become skeptical and the artist is largely ignored or forgotten. In spite of this, the artist is driven by something inside of him that will not let him die peacefully unless he obeys it. The artist cannot escape being himself and will continue speaking unto his grave. He is happy if even only one attentive hear has heard him.

Akrasia

Against your better judgment.

There are instances in life, when one acts against one's better judgment.

One single moment, can threaten the good of all the better moments.

States of anger, states of drug or alcohol intoxication, states of neglect of one's own mind health.

These states of weakness can lessen our power to pursue the good.

We instead choose the lesser, the near-evil.

Why?

Because there is a weakness in one's will.

But sometimes we choose the lesser, or near-evil, even in a state of clarity ...

And not because of a weak will, but in contrast, sometimes out of a determined will.

But clearly then, that is not a state of clarity.

Something right in a perfect state of clarity, is the undeniable and no-other-way kind of right.

It must be pursued.

Must.

But we can usually pursue the good with only a good amount of clarity, without the need for perfect insight.

So again, why?

The answer may be different for each person and for each action, but,

... one thing remains.

The pursuit of the higher and of the good is not, and was never, easy.

But that's what makes it the more desirable.

The futility of man and the near-unattainability of the divine.

Strength gives strength to strength, so do not cease to exert all you have.

For if you have given all you have, there can be no blaming you for anything after that.

You are only responsible for all you have anyway.

Give it all for the good.

Sunday Evening Reminisce

I remember when I was younger, complaining to my mother that I couldn't study properly in a house that was messy and cluttered. "Environment makes an impact on how you study, mom!"

That was my excuse for half effort school work. But clearly, interior design was on my mind from a young age.

Tomorrow morning, I'm going to RCC Academy of Design to enroll in their 2-year Interior Design program. It's gonna cost me $23,000, so I really hope it becomes a good investment for my future career. I'm dropping University, which is still scaring the pants out of me. I always wanted to get my Ph.D and then become a Philosophy Professor but ... I want to go on a journey, an adventure.

See what I can do in this world.

My Very Own Big Bang

To find truth, find out first whether it's the chicken or the egg. Examining phenomena and their causes leads you to to the very first instance of the Big Bang, which was said to be the size of your embryo at the very instant of your own unexplainable, miraculous conception. You are life, and the miracle is life.

Life's An Adventure

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."
- Hellen Keller

I think I want to try my hand at Interior Design. Why not? I'm a sports loving male, beer drinker, and love to drive fast cars. But seriously, what do you think? I've always had a creative side to me since I was young. After elementary, I auditioned and was accepted into a *special* Arts High School for the Extremely Talented & Bright Young Individuals. I did music the first two years, and then re-auditioned and got accepted into their visual arts program because that's what Extremely Talented & Bright Young Individuals do. All kidding aside, I found in art a way to express my philosophy to the world through paintings and sculptures. Moreover, doing that made me feel alive. On top of that, I ended up being awarded the Visual Arts Award at graduation as well as the Mario Gasparrato Award for the Top Young Visual Artist in Toronto.

So naturally, after winning an Art Scholarship in high school what did I do? I entered the University of Toronto Where You Are Just Another Number University and proceeded to study Psychology and Philosophy and Sociology courses.

After my first year, I did not return to school and moved to Calgary to work for a while wondering if there was any reason to return and finish my degree.

After two years I moved back home and found myself unhappy with the basement room I was sharing with my brother. First of all, he's a soldier for the Canadian Reserves and therefore leaves his clothes on the floor or anything else with a flat surface (ie. chair, table, or tv top). He doesn't know or doesn't want to keep a tidy and neat living space. So I proceeded to pick up and fold and hang all the clothes in the room and once this was done, I saw how much better the room looked with more open space and clothes-less flat surfaces. I actually felt something in myself free up. A liberating experience.

It occured to me that that wasn't enough. I took out the drabby brown closet door at the end of the room (got a screwdriver and unscrewed the door hinges and threw the door out). The white pine wood door frame now framed an open and doorless closet, creating an additional sense of depth instead of the closed feeling of 'boxness' the closed door gave the room. Next: The ceiling bulb right outside the closet was naked and too bright. I found some white translucent wax baking sheets and with some white thread fashioned a hanging Japanese paper lantern. It softened the light which is much more relaxing for the eyes.


I've moved the DVD collection from the top shelf to the middle shelf because small angel sculptures and other inspiring objects should sit at the top where the eyes shift first, while the less visually appealing stuff take second attention underneath. I decided to keep the futon couch/bed in bed position because the flat surface accentuates the feeling of space in the room, and I didn't mind doubling it as a sittable flat couch. And when I pulled out my Art Scholarship Award in its big black wooden frame, I decided to take the actual certificate paper out and put up the empty frame on the wall you see first when you enter the room. For more empty space senses? No, because being ever so brilliant I decided an empty frame would remind me of all that I have not achieved (yet) in life.

For to stop pushing yourself is to die, and that would be the end of a fun and exciting adventure.

But seriously, what do you think?

A Love Letter

The confusion and therefore pain that has surrounded us began with your descent into a material plane, where we do not exist. A material world where material interraction and material distance becomes visible. Where you lose sight of the goal.

But I do not blame you... in the spiritual plane, I smile and hold my hands down to you with love, for I understand how deceptive the material plane is. I see the beggining and end, and I see the entire path from the height I am at, as you did at a time.

Our bond was created by our joint desire to ascend the material plane, and the close proximity of our success. But you were attacked first, and brought down, where I could no longer see you, and you could no longer see me.

And day after day, I am kneeling down, reaching down to you, begging you to take my hand and join me once more, where you will see me, see you, see eternity.

You look at me... but I'm a mirage. You catch a glimpse of the plane, but the material world clutches at you. You are being deceived and are told to invite me. You attempt to fool me into believing that worldly obstacles are of importance.

I am weakened by your words, by your actions, and I descend closer to you, closer to being in the same place as you. But then I look up, and I look down, and I see that you have no vision of God. But I still see. And so I perch myself, on the edge of the plane.

I stare at you, with aching eyes. Aching to spring to life the stopped engine of your heart. To lighten your burden just enough to float up here, and climb.

And every time you begin to ascend, every time you begin to float, every time you see only my eyes clearly, the demons clutch you and yank you down, blurring me.

And as you strike the material plane, you curse me, you hate me, you loathe me, for I deceived you again. I made you a fool. You discount me more than before, for I keep dropping you.


This time, I will descend to the beguiled plane. I will hold you in my arms. I will take you up with me, so you don't have to climb, so you don't have to suffer, so you don't have to worry. You will stare into me and I will stare into you. You will see the spiritual plane in my eyes, for I will keep the memory strong in me for the both of us.

You will awaken of your trance, and you will breathe clean air, see sunlight, and observe those in the material plane once more as you did, troubled, lost, and your heart will want to help them, to ease their pain.

But I will not let you fall again. I will not let you fall, as you try to help them. You will hold onto me, and know that I want you to. And you can freely help everyone you want with the wandering heart that you have.

Hope. It is the hope that binds you to this plane. It is hope that binds me to this plane. It is your loss of hope that has pitted you with the demons. And their thirst flows through you, into me. I have enough hope to sustain me. I have enough hope to sustain you. I have enough hope to sustain all that I want to. And as you use my hope to sustain your stability in this plane, you will be able to bring others. I have an abundance of hope in this plane, in my ability to see it, and your place here.

As I stare at the future and at the past, I know now why I never claimed to love you. I never claimed to love you, because I could not hold you here. I did not feel that I could.

And now is the time to prove that I can, for I am full of hope, and my gentle eyes and strong arms will sustain your ascendancy.

(Even now they whisper in your ears. "He is a fool." "He is fulfilling something within himself, and using you." "He needs you for his own insecurities." "Do not listen to him." "Do not listen to him." "He is full of flaws." "He is not perfect. He is not what you want." "He is wrong." "How does he know?" "If he was something, you would feel it." "You are protected now... he wants to unprotect you." "Hope never lasts. It always fades. You must build peace slowly, using the real rules." "There are no shortcuts, it is a pipe-dream". "You must not escape the realities of your life.")

(Simply, not one of those phrases was spoken by God. Solely the demons. You can tell, can't you? Because nothing God would tell you would lead to a loss of hope. God is hope. God flourishes in hope. Hope means jumping over all the pain, because God permitted it. And the more you reject that hope that so desperately wants to flourish, the more interwinded you get in this material world of hopelessness, the more painfully difficult it will be to tear away from it. It is this cycle that wants to re-surface. They tell you the dream is false, that reality is hopelessness. And they will continue to tell you this. And after years, something within you, repressed for so long as you attempt to repress it now will re-surface, and you will want to begin dreaming again (just as you did before, remember?) But you will not be able to, because you will not be free. You are free, in this material world, at this time in your life. Free to do as you wish and please. It is now that you must continue dreaming, and bind yourself to nothing that will stop your dreams from being explored.

Forsake the demons. Clasp the dream that is more real than reality.)

(Reality is what you feel when you listen to a song and your heart soars or plummets. You must not reject those waves, you must embrace them, as you will after years of repression. For the heart will keep pounding, keep pounding, and your fears of the freeness of hope will die. It is then that you will listen to a song, a song you have heard a million times, and suddenly hear it for the first time, like you did so long ago. You will awaken, and regret all that time lost. You will hate the demons just as you feared hope, and feared God.)

(Read this over and over, until you see it.)

From,
Decius

Fear

I was up early this Sunday morning (6 am) after a great bbq up in Newmarket last night. So I turned on the tv and watched a pastor named Dr. Michael Youssef preaching. He was talking about how fear is a sin! In the story when Jesus and the disciples were on a boat caught in the middle of a ferocious storm, Jesus told them sternly to stop worrying. After which, he calmed the storm. Dr. Youssef says that before He changes any of our negative or trying circumstances, God wants us to kill the spirit of worrying and fear and plant in our hearts a firm unwavering faith.

In short word, fear comes from the absence of faith. And vice versa, faith results in the absence of fear.

Jesus did talk about worrying and how it wouldn't solve anything. And watching Dr. Youssef speak about Jesus has rekindled in me the desire to know more about who Jesus really is in His actions and words.

Never Complete

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind, I will never die.
- Calvin & Hobbes comic strip

A Secret Mind

Unlock the secrets of the mind, and one can accomplish all that his heart longs for.

A Sound Mind

A sound mind can be rare in today's world. And it certainly isn't something to be taken for granted. For example, Denzel Washington's quote:

“I made a commitment to completely cut out drinking and anything that might hamper me from getting my mind and body together. And the floodgates of goodness have opened upon me - spiritually and financially.”

More and more, I'm seeing the correlation between body and mind. A healthy body fosters a strong and focused mind. And a strong and focused mind is better able to tackle the problems of life that come our way.

*Lately I noticed I was starting to gain unwanted weight. Since I was skinny, I had always assumed I could eat whatever and get away with it. No so much anymore! I've been exercising and eating properly, something I haven't done in a few years, and I feel amazing - an increased sense of centeredness, energy, and focus. I hope this becomes the start of a new and permanent lifestyle!

The Birth of a Tiger

For my whole life of some 22 years, I always thought I was born in the year of the Rabbit. For the first time, I have found out that I am actually not a Rabbit, but a Tiger. (The Chinese year for the Rabbit began around January 26, but my birthday is on Jan. 16th - still the year of the Tiger.)

I was never really into astrology, but this has taken me aback. To me, this is a symbolic mark of my recent personal and inner changes. A rabbit that once spent its life running in fear, is now a tiger ready to prevail.

July the Twenty First in the Year Two Thousand and Nine!

An egg shell has been cracked last night/this morning! I haven't slept ... it feels like one of those exciting childhood Christmas days!

I've been having a thought lately and to illustrate I will use Michael Jackson, who died suddenly and unexpectedly last week (bless his soul). To the world, he was the famous King of Pop, a living legend and icon worshipped around the world. But to his family, he was just Michael, their adorable son and brother. In a somewhat similar way, lately I could no longer see Jesus as a King on some High Throne. I cannot worship him anymore. No, he is my brother and friend. Everytime I say or think of this I cannot stop tearing. He is not off on some faraway seat, but he is standing next to me; he is walking with me through Hell and then carries me like the wooden cross on his back all the way back to the arms of God.

That's the Jesus I know.

Another weekend ...

I'm sitting right now, having woken up early this morning around 7am. I am tired from the weekend, had a lot of fun and new experiences although I hadn't really planned for it.

We ended up Sunday afternoon at a 'beach' party, except they had moved the event to a very grassy (and quite unsandy) area near the old industrial plants because of noise complaints. In the end, the grass which was up to 3ft high was all flattened out by the hundreds of house music lovers stomping the night away.

They played some really good house music that I think is sorely lacking in many of the commercial clubs that exist in the downtowns. The music was funky and soulful, the kinds of rhythms that open up a smile on your face while your body writhes around in foolish joy. A night to remember for sure.

It's been two years ...

... since I've done any blogging. Where have I been? I'll be answering that. But more importantly, I want to use this blog to contemplate as to where I'll be going.

We have state of the art GPS systems nowadays for our vehicles, that help us guide our way through traffic to any destination of our choice. Yet, in spite, many people are still lost - in a different kind of way. They are seeking the kinds of things that cannot be fulfilled through the physical world. A sense of identity, a sense of community, love, meaning of life, purpose, and so on. Where are we really? We need a GPS system that can map our spiritual journeys.

It's been four years since I've been a Christian, and I've never felt more lost.

To the ends of Calgary ...

Part Two: June is nearly over already! Almost two months has gone by since our start in May. Our weekly schedule has consisted of weekly meetings on Mondays, in-depth bible studies on Wednesdays, seminars on Thursdays, fun nights on Fridays, and outreach events on Saturdays. Our Saturdays are when we put our preparation in practice - by actually going out to share the Gospel. We are creative in the ways we do this ...

The first three Saturdays, we went out into the city (whether downtown, on the City Train, or at malls) to do initiative evangelism. We would seek out people interested in spiritual matters and hope to have a conversation leading to a presentation of the Gospel.

On the fourth Saturday, we hosted a free BBQ for the community, where we presented a humorous skit on God's love and where I got to share my testimony in front of many neighbours. We engaged in many spiritual discussions with the people who came out. God used my testimony to speak to one lady. She was the mother of a teenaged child who was getting into the same dark lifestyle from which God saved me. She was given hope that God still saves, and I was given the opportunity to hang out with her son and be a brother to him in Christ.

We hosted a free Beach Volleyball tournament, where we invited co-workers to have fun and hear a testimony. And both they did. Although we did not see as many people come out as we had hoped, it was still a very fun and exciting day. Our very own Cameron Berg shared his riveting testimony, about how God turned him from focussing on his victories in sports to victories in the spiritual life.

Because our staff leaders left the project halfway through (to let the students take on leadership roles), we have used our Thursday evenings to do personal ministries with co-workers and other individuals. These are more intimate and allow for deeper conversations. As we look back on what has already occurred, we're thankful that God has used us to reach the people in Calgary. Pray our third and final month of July will be a powerful drive to the finish line!

End of Part Two.

I will update with posts of our past retreat, and other random things, in the next few weeks ...


Pictures from Part Two.

One Snowy Day in May!

In the third week of May, it snowed in Calgary. The girls put up their girly snowwoman, and the boys put up a beast. Here are some pictures!

From Judea & Samaria ... to Calgary, Alberta.

Part One: Having arrived here May 1st, there was a sense of relief. I had left Toronto in a rush, having just completed my last exam the day before, then meeting someone afterwards, and finally coming home at night but not to sleep - I had to do a second all-nighter in a row in order to finish one last essay. I had only one or two hours of sleep both nights, but somehow it was enough for me to keep my focus. Perhaps, it was the excitement of leaving for Calgary soon that kept me going. But there was also a moment where I felt like a main character of an exciting story given a touch of divine strength to carry out his mission. In spite of many things that made it look otherwise (eg. incomplete funds, exams that was scheduled for after I was supposed to leave, unpaid tuition fees, etc.), I felt called to go to Calgary. So that is why I sent off my essay to my understanding prof at 9:30 am that morning, packed three months worth of laundry in two bags and in thirty minutes, then somehow caught my 11:00 am flight at the Pearson Airport.

"People who are crucified with Christ have three distinct marks:
1. they are facing only one direction,
2. they can never turn back, and
3. they no longer have plans of their own."
- A.W. Tozer

So here I am, sitting in the bottom floor of a dormitory not far from the University of Calgary, eighteen days later on May 18. How can I even begin to fit on your limited computer screen all that has happened so far?

First, I would like to introduce you to our team. We have eight staff leaders, and 35 students. We come from all across Canada - British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario, New Brunswick, and Nova Scotia. There are only two Asian guys, myself and a leader - but it's not something that we notice. What can I say about our group? These people are a truly great bunch - fun loving, people loving, God loving. I am thankful just to be surrounded by them each day.


Starting from the very first days, I considered the boys my brothers. One of our aims in this project is to find a job so we can reach out to co-workers. In this endeavour, we have been able to share in joy whenever someone got a job, and we have lifted each other when the search was wearisome for some. We have confided in each other our deepest insecurities and struggles. Nothing was hidden. We wanted to be real men, and I believe that's what God is gonna make us by the end of the project. We've shared belly-laughs, tears, fears, hopes, and a deep brotherly love.

End of Part One.
Part Two "Mission Field" will be posted by the end of May ...

Random pictures from Part One.